Illness

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December 7, 2012

The Hospital

Posted by focalbreeze under Illness, Love, People, Poetry, Random, Wordpress, Writing | Tags: , , , , , |
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This morning, my husband and I had to be at the hospital very early. He had to get a procedure done and I spent a lot of time waiting in the lobby. I mostly observed people and wrote this poem about what I noticed. I’m quite tired now, though. I just did my exercises for the day. Hope you all enjoy the poem and thanks so much for visiting my blog/site. Have a great weekend!

The Hospital 

White walls and white floors

The sun’s barely risen

New ones go out

Old ones come in

 

Her soft voice questions

“How much longer will it be?”

Waiting for hours for a room

They’re running tests on me.

 

New mother with her baby

The child’s sound asleep

Having no sense of time

Mama knows baby’ll grow fast.

 

The elderly man, papers in hand

White hair and wrinkled face

Behind his eyes, so many memories

I wonder the stories he could tell.

 

The phones are ringing, coffee’s brewing

Pagers summoning the next patient

Faces looking weary and sick

Worrying of what will happen next.

 

Flannel shirt and barely can walk

Many places to choose to sit

He sits beside me and asks how I am

He’s wheeled away, I pray he’ll be fine.

 

Keeping an eye of every person

I look a bit deeper in awe

Every face has a some story

Either just beginning, middle, or ending..

 

A young lady reading her book

An old man searching for his place

The young baby going home for the first time

I hope that all of them will be fine.

 

 

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October 11, 2012

How do you handle sickness?

Posted by focalbreeze under Adulthood, Illness, Love, People, Sickness | Tags: , , , , , , |
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The past week (since about Saturday night) has been filled with coughing, sneezing, and wheezing. I couldn’t escape the annual upper respiratory infection and attempted in vain to treat it myself with de-congestions and an array of medicines. I finally broke down yesterday and went to the doctor to get some antibiotics and an inhaler so I could finally breathe. As I was waiting in the actual exam room, I found myself wondering how our ancestors dealt with being ill.

It’s really painful when you can’t breathe and all you can really do is cough so hard, you wind up pulling some muscles in your back. If it weren’t for the medicines I got yesterday, I would still feel that way. However, I am here less than a day later and can use my nose and lungs for their intended purpose.

It is so amazing how far we’ve come along in just the past few centuries and I really think that it’s awesome.

So, are you like me and wait for awhile before you finally break down and go to the doctor? Or do you just try to self medicate and hope for the best?

We do have so many options today in how to treat the common cold but do we take those options for granted?

Just a thought. Until then, stay well and don’t get sick!

Love and God bless you all,

~Susan

 

July 11, 2012

Visalus, Goals, and Hopes

Posted by focalbreeze under Diet, Friends, Growing Up, Illness, Love, Obesity, People, Weight Loss, Working Out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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Last night I decided to do a little something different. Its midweek and I have two college courses this quarter. One of them is online and the other is on the actual campus. Writing and Accounting II are the classes that I’m going to be studying a lot this term. One involves lots of numbers and the other involves a lot of words.

During my time at Daymar, I certainly have had the want to get this degree that I’m working towards but I have also had a lot of issues come up that cause me at times to miss class quite a bit. I am going to attempt something that I haven’t done at my time at Daymar and I started on this quest last night. I will try my hardest not to get behind and actually attend every single class and try to have perfect attendance. I really hope that I succeed in this because it bothers me that I get put behind on things that I want to do.

So, last night I got onto my online class and went ahead and read the three chapters that were assigned and did the class discussion for this week. It took me about 4 hours to complete everything and now I’m just waiting for another student to turn in their assignment so I can comment on their work. It is a part of the class to do that to get full credit. Tomorrow will be my Accounting class and I will try to do the same and complete my work. I really hope that this works.

Goal number two is to go to Kroger and stock up on frozen fruits and fresh ones as well to give myself a good boost in the Visalus challenge. I’d really love to get to about 160 pounds. For my body frame, I think that would be a great weight to be at because I tend to tone up a bit like my dad. I have been watching attentively to Crystal’s Facebook feed and I hope that I can do this. She is very optimistic and encouraging. I hope that if I can continue this route that I might be able to do another goal. I would actually like to do as she does and work for Visalus. I’m not really sure how to go about that but I think it would be a very awesome thing to be able to do.

All in all, I would just like to basically not get so behind on my college work and I would also like to get more fit and to lose this weight, possibly in the future work for the company that helps me get to that point of being healthier. Who knows? Sometimes dreams come true. Maybe this will be one of those times.

 

June 14, 2012

Body by Vi: Challenge accepted.

Posted by focalbreeze under Body by Vi, Diet, Illness, Love, Obesity, People, Weight Loss, Working Out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |
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I think that people are in our lives for a reason. The internet platform of our generation is very amazing, truth be told. A little over a year ago, I ran a search over weight loss because I know I can be better than what I am. Of course, I came across SlimFast, Weightwatchers, and that of the like. I had tried those before but let’s be honest. I have about a 30 second attention span and counting points day after day will bore me before I even start it. I tried it but by the end, I was very tired of eating popcorn. SlimFast was okay and it has a good concept but I need a bit of flavor in my life. I absolutely LOVE variety and only have a choice of a limited number of shakes, bars that taste kind of strange, it wasn’t for me.

The above actions led me to stumbling on this lady who is absolutely amazing. She lost 100 pounds and is still growing strong. I’ve been watching her Youtube videos, reading her blog, corresponding with her off and on, and then she started this program. It’s called “Body by Vi”. You take the 90 day challenge and you get so many recipes for the shakes you take in, cookies for a snack, supplements which include fish oil, and energy for your metabolism.  The system even has a appetite curve which is going to be very helpful.

I have a tendency of being a bit on the pessimistic side to tell you the truth. Surely, there has to be a catch. Really though, there is no catch to this system. You spend about how much on groceries? With the transformation kit, I paid about what I’d pay for take-out food. Say you eat out 5 times a week. At 7 dollars a meal, that’s 35 a week. That’s 245 bucks a month. Not counting your regular grocery bill.

I trust Crystal Honeycutt very much. I know she is honest and she sincerely wants to help people. I want to say thank you to her for bringing me this information. I also want to say, “Challenge accepted.” I will do the 90 day challenge, mix my shakes, and follow the program. I know I will stumble at times but that’s a part of life. We, as humans, will falter but we have this habit of coming back.

To those reading this blog, I challenge you now. Join me on this journey to get to a healthier and fitter you. You deserve it. We all deserve the most out of this life.  You are definitely worth it! And a cool little side note: The shakes taste like cake batter. Seriously, they’re not bland and crummy and you can put your own fruits in there. It’s totally win-win and a no brainer.

Here is the link to get started if you choose to accept my challenge: http://smreed129.myvi.net/challenge

If you have any questions, please feel free to comment or email me.

 

June 11, 2012

Faith, Hope, and Love

Posted by focalbreeze under Cancer, Christianity, Death, Depression, Friends, Illness, Love, People, Sickness | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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I just read Lucy’s mama’s recent blog entry. ( http://www.erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com/ )I understand very well how she is feeling right now and I know how much it hurts. Watching someone you love, especially a child, is something that is so incredibly difficult to do. I haven’t lost a child but there was a time I lost something very important. The loss of my mother to Cancer, if you’ve kept up with me, really hurt me a lot inside. It was a numbing thing to happen to me, I couldn’t imagine losing a child. The loss of her was great, but I lost something else that morning. I lost faith in God. I’m not proud to admit it. I never thought that He didn’t exist, I was just very angry at Him. I couldn’t understand why He let her suffer, why He lets anyone suffer. I mean, after all, He is the One that created us right? Why would He let us hurt so horribly? IF He knows everything inside us: Our mind, our heart, and our soul. If He knows our fate and what will become of us, why does He allow such pain to be around? He could take it away just as easily as we got it and everything would be fine. It, unfortunately, does not work like that though.

I wasn’t just a little ticked off at God: I was full blown fuming. I remember one day in particular when I yelled at Him. I don’t remember what I said exactly but what I remember is taking my crucifix, tearing it off my neck, and hurling it across the room. I still have no idea where that cross is. I never doubted His existence, but what I did was far worse. I completely ignored God for a long time. I didn’t talk to Him, I didn’t care. I figured, in my mind, that if He could just let our family hurt so much, then why should I pay Him any attention?

About four years ago, I came back to God. It wasn’t easy. I felt completely convicted of how I had acted towards Him for a good portion of my life. I begged for forgiveness and I returned to Him. He didn’t have to let me back in but God is a God of forgiveness, thankfully.

This verse gives me hope: “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Sins are no longer “kept on file”, record is blotted out, destroyed. God cannot “forget” like in human error, but He chooses to “not remember.” Isaiah 43:25

God chooses not to remember what I’ve done, what I’ve said in years past because He does love me. It all falls into the three gifts He has given us. Faith, hope, and love. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

I believe I know why He says that love is the greatest of all. Faith can be tried and tested. It can be lost and broken , just as hope can be. Faith and Hope are very strong things to have but Love is the greatest of these things because even if we happen to lose the other two, we can gain it back through the Love of God.

Just as I remember the day that my anger was unleashed on God, I remember the day I came back. I sat on the couch and it was quiet and I was alone. I stared at this picture of Jesus. I am pretty sure it wasn’t the same Jesus that lived so long ago and died for our sins, but I still stared at Him. I thought so very hard and couldn’t keep my eyes of His. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I started to cry for everything I had done wrong. I begged for forgiveness for the sins I committed against Him. I was so remorseful for being so angry.

The road to believing in God is not an easy road to tread upon. You will have your heart broken and there are going to be so many moments that your faith is tested. One thing that is always there though is His love. It took God’s love to take my heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh, to see the truth, and to realize that my mama was in pain and He was being merciful in taking her. It was her time to go and in truth, even though she was my mama, she belonged to someone so much greater and someone so much better. I didn’t lose my mama but God just called her home. I see that now. She belonged to Him all along and He saved her from her pain.

I have done a lot of things in my life I’d rather not remember and wish I hadn’t of done. In truth though, it has made me who I am today and I suppose I wouldn’t change it. The pain and the heartache has made me closer to God and realize how much He matters to me. I don’t have all the answers, nor will I pretend to, but what I do know is simple: God loves me and He loves all His creation. At the moment, we’re temporarily separated from Him because of sin. Sins are something God doesn’t tolerate and He wants us to be clean. He made this possible for sending His son down to earth so long ago to die for those sins, that way when we stand before Him (if we believe in Him and love Him), He will see Jesus’ righteousness imbued upon us.

As I’ve said, it’s not an easy road to travel. There are so many trials but it is so worth it. Nothing worth it is every easy I find. I am blessed and thankful that God put His hand on my heart.

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My Statutes, and ye shall keep My Judgments, and do them… Without Me ye can do nothing” (Ezekiel 36:26-27; John 15:5).

 

 

 

June 6, 2012

Thinking of Lucy

Posted by focalbreeze under Cancer, Christianity, Friends, Illness, Love, People, Sickness | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |
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Today has been another one of those weird days. I’ve been mostly lost in my thoughts and sometimes that can be bad. In any case, I am thinking today of a small child with cancer who is currently fighting for her life. I have not personally met her parents or her, but she is from my hometown of Covington, TN. I have been keeping track of how she’s been through her mother’s blog. They thought that everything was going to be okay but they received the news that the cancer had returned the other day and things weren’t looking good for their baby. I see Lucy’s face and she’s smiling so radiantly. The recent pictures she’s had taken show her giggling, smiling, and laughing. She looks exhausted but she is smiling through it as best she can. She is such a special girl and when I read her mama’s blog, my heart broke.

Here is an excerpt from that blog:

“Kate’s Message: Dear friends. The only way I know how to tell everyone this is to send a group text. Lucy’s cancer is back. There is nothing we can do. We don’t have a long time with her but we are determined to make the most of every minute. Our only prayer is for mercy and no suffering. We have to protect Ella. She knows but we want her to be safe. Thank you for your love, support and prayers.”~ http://erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com/?spref=fb

When I read Kate’s words, I understood completely why they call it heart break. It felt like my chest was caved in and I couldn’t breathe. I cried tears for them because I see behind those worn out eyes of Lucy’s, so much spirit and the want to survive this. I know how hard it is to pray that prayer. I was there myself a long time ago. I can’t imagine what they feel right now watching their child hurt so bad.

Children are so precious and so innocent. They see the world so much differently and they accept things that we find hard to. We could back then but we forgot. A child like Lucy helps us remember. We remember those small things. We remember how to look at things with open eyes and an open heart. She doesn’t deserve this, no child does. I pray and wish to God she could just play softball or soccer and be free to catch fireflies. I remember doing those sort of things as a kid.

The cancer came back and it came back with a vengeance when my own mother had it. I remember her throwing up water because she couldn’t even handle that. I remember how she couldn’t get a moment’s rest and it was constant, constant pain. I remember feeling angry, helpless, and so very scared for her. I finally prayed to God the hardest prayer of my life and I remember my words verbatim to this day: “God if you’re gonna make my mama well, make her well right now. But if she’s not, then take her, please.”

Cancer is the worst kind of disease because if you go into remission and everything, it plays with your mind when it comes back and it comes back so hard from what I’ve seen of it. It leaves you feeling powerless, no control. The amazing thing though is this. It hurts. It really does. But we have to remember. Through our memories, they live on. I still get people 16 years later telling me how awesome my mama was. The memories of the good times make me smile so much.

Lucy is a rare kind of person. She’s touched so many lives and she has taught us bravery and love. I want her to get well and I don’t want her to suffer through this anymore. I really pray to God that this child has a chance to make it and be totally rid of her cancer because she is very special. I’ve never met her  but through her mother’s blog, I know how special and loved she is. I simply adore this darlin’.

Please God, heal this baby. Don’t let her hurt anymore, please.

 

May 15, 2012

Superficial Scars

Posted by focalbreeze under Death, Depression, Illness, Montgomery Clift, Sickness | Tags: , , , , , , , |
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When I was younger, I usually wouldn’t watch the normal things that other kids did. I typically would have the television on AMC and watch all the classic movies that came on. I liked old stars like Roddy McDowell, Douglas Fairbanks Jr and Sr, Cary Grant, Gary  Cooper, Frank Sinatra, James Dean, James, Cagney, and Montgomery Clift.

Montgomery Clift always stuck out to me for some reason. He was quiet, seemed humble, and didn’t act too flashy to me. He had this kind of aura about him that intrigued me the more of his films I watched. I began to research his life to maybe gain some better understanding of him. At one point during his career, he was the most sought after leading man and his voice was brilliant. He often played victim-hero types but each role he brought something unique.

Everything was going alright until he had a near-fatal car accident in 1956 that left his face scarred.

“On the evening of May 12, 1956, while filming Raintree County, Clift was involved in a serious auto accident when he smashed his car into a telephone pole after leaving a dinner party at the Beverly Hills home of his Raintree County co-star and close friend Elizabeth Taylor and her second husband, Michael Wilding. Alerted by friend Kevin McCarthy, who witnessed the accident, Taylor raced to Clift’s side, manually pulling a tooth out of his tongue as he had begun to choke on it. He suffered a broken jaw and nose, a fractured sinus, and several facial lacerations which required plastic surgery.[10] In a filmed interview, he later described how his nose could be snapped back into place.”

He never fully recovered emotionally nor physically from the scars that the accident left him. He tried to find reprieve and escape through pain killers and was allegedly addicted those as well as alcohol. Some say it was the “longest suicide in Hollywood history”.

“The autopsy report cited the cause of death as a heart attack brought on by “occlusive coronary artery disease.” No evidence was found that suggested foul play or suicide.”

*Block quotes taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montgomery_Clift*

The accident that left him so scarred left him in a deep depression and I wish that he didn’t have to deal with so much of the crap that went along with it. He was always a beautiful soul to me and just because your left with scars from something horrible, doesn’t mean that you have to change.

I suppose that people in Hollywood put so much merit on the looks of someone and often times, more than not, they give people credit because of what they believe a pretty face should be. Montgomery Clift was always who he was, with or without the scars. The pressure of not being “perfect” got to him and years of abuse to his body eventually took its toll.

I hope that one day that we can truly and unconditionally see that it matters more of what’s inside a person’s heart than what they look like. I know he wasn’t perfect, none of us are truth be told, but we are all humans.

I wrote this poem about him and he will always be beautiful to me, flaws and all.

Dark Treasures

~By Focal Breeze

To know pain 
is to embrace the pleasure
what were you trying to gain
burying your darkest treasures

hurling yourself at the lasting fire
your life burns through my veins
sending me flying higher than a spire
your broken dreams are all that remains

endless loveless love 
that you try to attain
You’re oh so neglectful of 
the true love you could gain

To know pain 
is to embrace the pleasure
what were you trying to gain
burying your darkest treasures

Why don’t you just rise your head up
Get off your knees and look to the sun
Put that smile on your face
and don’t think of the past, boy

Oh boy get up off those knees 
Heed my advice 
Stand up tall and smile like I know you can
Oh for the love of God, all I ask is please

I see what you’re doing to yourself, love
and it hurts me to the core
to see all the poison running through your veins
So much heart and soul but you gotta get off this course

To know pain 
is to embrace the pleasure
what were you trying to gain
burying your darkest treasures

The early morning sun burned my eyes
The tears I cried last night made it worse
I knew you were going to breathe your last
Walked in your room with you flat on your back

Please, please tell me 
what were you trying to gain
burying your darkest treasures

The first movie I saw with him was From here to eternity. Inserted here is a clip from that movie:

 

May 15, 2012

Pain in the Brain

Posted by focalbreeze under Arachnoid Cyst, Illness, Sickness | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |
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I am posting this journal entry later than I have been the last few days. Sunday afternoon I began feeling ill and terribly weak. Basically, I have been dealing with a bit of a condition the last few years and sometimes I can go on for quite awhile without experiencing any problems whatsoever. However, when the pain happens it tends to hit hard.

I deal with migraines due to a cyst that I have on the posterior fossa of my brain. It causes my eyes to go blurry, dizziness ensues, and nausea can be an ongoing problem. I do take a pill called maxalt to help alleviate some of the pain. When that doesn’t work, I need to get a shot that will help me relax and sometimes I feel better afterwards.

The cyst is an arachnoid cyst and sometimes it can cause the person no problems. I wish that were the case with me. It always starts in the back of my head. Just like anything that’s a problem in our lives all I can really do is deal with it. Therefore, I had to call in the last few nights and have had to put some other business that I was going to do on hold until my body decides to work properly again.

So, now I bid you all goodnight and I am going to get some rest. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

That’s all we can really hope for….

The white blob at the base of my brain that’s shaped kinda like a half mushroom is the cyst that makes its home on my brain. I hope it goes away someday..

Praying for a better tomorrow and God bless.

~FocalBreeze

 

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